Adorn My Flesh in Disgust
from Mutilation Altar by Mutilation Altar
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about
When I started to cut myself I thought it was a way to deal with the overwhelming feeling of sadness and self-hatred. At first somehow it helped me cope with the feelings that I couldn't neglect with drinking, but as I grew older and colder, the act of automutilation stopped offering the relief it used to.
In the beginning the wounds would heal easily and leave no visible scars, or have an addictive reaction for that matter. But as time passes I started to go deeper with every cut, and also start to care less about the consequences. For a few years i didn’t give it much attention since It only occurred when I was feeling in extreme distress and/or was intoxicated. so I didn't really reckon that it was such a big problem, and simply accepted it as something that would sometimes just happen.
As time passed I started to get more involved with playing in bands, touring and running the label I thought I somehow learned how to neglect my suicidal thoughts and the urge to hurt myself and focus on creating once again through self-destruction.
However, recently the burden of living blinded the last light of hope with a thick fog of despair, and forced me once again to etch my grief in my arm. but this time instead of grabbing a boxcutter, I went straight for a hunting knife.
At first I was hoping that I would do it right for once and bleed myself dry, but after a few deep cuts I went on and stabbed my own arm. I slightly remember snapping out of a darkness and losing all feeling for a second. It's quite weird but I was frozen in time as I gazed right into a wide open wound, spitting at me with disgust.. As the feeling of humiliation overwhelmed me, I still had to rush to the hospital to get it stitched up, but that stab also gave me the wake up call that I needed to get back into therapy and learn how to face my demons, rather than chain them.
If there is one thing that I learned from all this it's that chaining your demons doesn’t equal fighting them. in those moments where we feel hopeless they gain the power to break those chains and once again put their ferocious jaws in your neck, ready to gnash and rip everything to pieces.
Right now as I'm writing this I can luckily say that my arm is doing fine. I can still play guitar, even tho I still feel my bone and muscle give in to the pain sometimes, but it's slowly getting better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is.. It's never too late to reach out for help, and it's okay to accept that you're not done fighting your demons. Sometimes we forget that even when everything seem hopeless and pointless, everything will eventually get better.
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Wolves of Hades Records Amsterdam, Netherlands
Carving the sound of broken bones and desperate cries through analog decay since MMXIV.
discography
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May 2021 -
Dec 2020 -
Dec 2020 -
Nov 2020
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